In 2008's Spring I developed a scientific, hard-nosed documentary about what would happen to the Earth if the Moon exploded.
The idea was profoundly influenced by an apocalyptic Dutch website, as most good ideas tend to be.
My partner on this project was one Preston Copley, when we worked for a NYC-based production outfit named Triple Threat Television.
The idea came to us when the drawing board in our heads looked a lot like this guy’s blackboard:
A month or so after we finished work on it, we pitched the idea to Discovery Channel. They passed.
Tellingly, after our presentation, the Discovery exec said, without apparent acknowledgement of how this might sound outside of a TV pitch meeting, “Oh well in our office, there’s been a lot of talk about the Moon disappearing…”
As in, we hear these ideas all the time.
I didn’t believe the guy at the time, and I still don’t.
And, regardless, this idea hasn’t been made yet. There were rumors of a (German-produced) TV movie on the subject; around the same time there was also a major big-budget script deal.
BUT, we envisioned a documentary, with talking heads, poker-faced scientists, a docu-dramatic narrative, and CGA (Computer-Generated-Amazing). In our project, you'd hear high-flying academic experts tell us what would happen if, per chance, the Moon exploded tomorrow.
What would happen?
I was pleasantly surprised to see the subject broached this summer, in one of the spoof blockbusters featured in Tropic Thunder. Things like that don't shit on our parade. No - it conveniently lays the foundations in the collective conscience, for the wild success of the future Oscar-winning feature documentary, APOCALYPSE MOON.
While the (future) critical acclaim and (future) wild sensation surrounding Apocalypse Moon can be attributed to a number of factors, its triumph mostly boils down to the all-round extremely spectacular nature of the beast. Nothing less than that.
Don’t believe me? You have no idea what you’re talking about.
These are the first lines of our pitch:
Your eyes burn from dust, after the asteroid shower. Your head beats from harsh, oppressive heat. You didn’t sleep last night. For one thing: there was no night.
The riots on your street only pause for the constant, roasting sun.
New York City is on the equator.
Hurricanes are raging over Europe and you heard on the military radio that the Amazon received its first snowfall.
This is the world without our moon.
You get the idea.
Want more?
The end of 2008 will witness the launch of NASA’s first lunar mission in 25 years, and the production of two big budget Sci-Fi adventure movies that focus on Moon Destruction.
But with testimony from leading astro-physicists and evolutionary geologists on the moon’s vital importance to our existence, Apocalypse Moon separates the science from the fiction.
This is where we get deep into Facts:
The relationship between Earth and Moon is like an athlete throwing a hammer. If the rope snaps, the athlete falls.
Similarly, if the delicate balance between our world and its satellite is broken, we find ourselves on a hostile rollercoaster world.
You catch that last bit? Wouldn’t that be nice, to find a total deadpan-serious scientific feature-length documentary that delves into the full implications of such an idea as a HOSTILE ROLLERCOASTER WORLD.
I knew I wanted to see that film. So did Preston.
We thought we were in. Made. We were readying our acceptance speeches.
During this Period of Celebration we spoke with leading space scientists at top universities around the world, discussing the amazing implications of what happens when the Moon explodes, and we also found time to consider the true nature of "wild success." These were our conclusions:
Here's a bit more:
In our scenario, a huge, undetectable, ‘Dirty Snowball’ from the Kuiper Belt, on the periphery of our Solar System, slams into the Moon.
Though far fetched, we know that the Moon has a long history of collisions. Every year a metric ton of meteor debris pulverizes the lunar landscape.
And with recent disturbances in the Kuiper Belt, this fantastic scenario is a frightening possibility.
As the Moon shatters, our contributors testify how our climate would become erratic and extreme. We’re pelted with moon wreckage; fire-storms, flooding, and fear become a daily norm around the World.
With expert interviews, computer models, CGI effects, and dramatic reconstructions, Apocalypse Moon immerses the viewer in these frenetic last days, while conveying the fascinating science behind humanity’s worst nightmare.
Eventually, as the Earth tips on its back, we find ourselves on a two-sided globe. One half is perpetually sunlit and scorched, the other a frozen wasteland.
There are many successful documentary-style disaster shows that focus on a single storm, eruption, ice-age, or asteroid collision, but no non-fiction event addresses the impact of Moon destruction.
We showcase an entire spectrum of effects and the science behind them, climaxing in the decline of all terrestrial life, as we reveal, in the end: Earth has become Mars II.
I’ll give the last word to other veritable Triple Threat employees, Charles Parker Newton, a student of the mountains and Moab and Harlem, and William Halas, a student of broken arms and Final Cut Pro. On their first day in the office they were so affected by the idea of Apocalypse Moon that they was compelled to pen a Rap, and accompanying Rap Video.
No Gravity (the Earth would be Mars)
(Newton and Halas)
Intro: A late 70s nerdy science professor with huge glasses and a flannel shirt attempts to explain gravity to a class of 3rd graders, who are incredibly disinterested.
The kids have disgusted, yet humorous looks on their faces. Some of them are playing silly putty, others with slinkies, or picking their noses.
One of the kids starts making beats on his desk with a pencil, and maybe his mouth.
This transitions into a music video, keeping with a mildly retro-yet-modern theme.
Charles Parker Newton starts rapping.
He is wearing sun costume.
(A ball bounces over the words at the bottom of the screen.)
Chorus:
If we had no gravity, the Earth would be Mars.
OH MY GOD NOW!
If we had no gravity, the Earth would be Mars.
DESERT HEAT!
Verse:
A scorching, fiery, volcanic blast,
the suns UV rays can react your back,
with a sunburn,
and chappied lips,
Aloe Vera,
apply and learn,
the soothing sensation,
take the helpful tip!
Rocks and trees, get on your knees,
lay out your blanket with the slightest ease
and eat your picnic,
share your sandwich.
Africa is the biggest landmass.
Take out a match and light the candle,
while your girl unbuckles,
and begins to handle your personal, down below situation.
(repeat: personal, down below situation)
The job is done now
you can feel the breeze
as it tickles your nostrils
and makes you sneeze.
(A chew!)
Mucous on my hand and mucous in the air,
I take my wetness and run it through your hair.
Your mustache brother!
Your Squirrel lip, sucka!
Your dead caterpillar!
Shave those nasty prickly face-pubes!
(Drop a serious beat)
(montage of children with fake mustaches, some ethnic)
Chorus:
(Wearing thermo-nuclear sunglasses)
If we had no gravity, the earth would be mars.
ATROPHIED HUMAN BEINGS!
If we had no gravity, the earth would be mars.
MY EYES! THEY BURN!
